Dad’s Taiwan Apartment Post-Dengue / I have been preparing for self-isolation my whole life (2020)
i have been preparing for self-isolation my whole life
while packing
compressed
carefully-folded laundry
down
too compact
travel bag
my dad comes into my room
and hands me an N95 mask
in its previously-opened
rigid clamshell it looks
yellowed
from his SARS days
he says
will it be ok
i ask him
do you need me
to stick around
is there a plan
for if you get sick
he says no
it’s no different than
before this
standing in the doorway now
he tells me
when a cold developed later
even our old family friend
the general practitioner
wouldn’t see him
can you imagine
wow
how angry i was
but i did not need a doctor
thankfully
i have been preparing
for self-isolation
my whole life
reclusive
hermitic
characteristics previously described
as “pathologies”
are survival mechanisms
i’m sure of it
when i wake up
in the morning
light-golden
night crusted over
actually i’m not sure
if i’m doing well
not sure if i was
well before this
i catch the small slip
as it falls
soundlessly out
the smooth packaging
the informational insert
the fine print
from ao safety
circa copyright 2001
tuck it back inside
then close shut
take the mask and
bend the metal clip
over the bridge
of my nose
lower and flatter
than his
pull taut the rubber straps
secured with staples
tight bands
once bright yellow
banana or i can’t believe
it’s not butter
or
taxi
now a brittle
color
he’s kept it
so long
almost all that anyone
needs to know
about my dad
in this object from 2003
brought back from taiwan
in his suitcase
or bag or
did he wear it
over the pacific
ocean of accumulated breath
sealed up wet
where edges indent cheeks
after the SARS outbreak
declared
contained
he went back to taiwan
on our way to the airport
was i nervous or
sad
or scared
numb or
incurious
we might have waved
goodbye at the gate
maybe
i don’t remember
can’t remember much
except that i didn’t think
to ask why
do you have to leave
while packing
compressed
carefully-folded laundry
down
too compact
travel bag
my dad comes into my room
and hands me an N95 mask
in its previously-opened
rigid clamshell it looks
yellowed
from his SARS days
he says
will it be ok
i ask him
do you need me
to stick around
is there a plan
for if you get sick
he says no
it’s no different than
before this
standing in the doorway now
he tells me
when a cold developed later
even our old family friend
the general practitioner
wouldn’t see him
can you imagine
wow
how angry i was
but i did not need a doctor
thankfully
i have been preparing
for self-isolation
my whole life
reclusive
hermitic
characteristics previously described
as “pathologies”
are survival mechanisms
i’m sure of it
when i wake up
in the morning
light-golden
night crusted over
actually i’m not sure
if i’m doing well
not sure if i was
well before this
i catch the small slip
as it falls
soundlessly out
the smooth packaging
the informational insert
the fine print
from ao safety
circa copyright 2001
tuck it back inside
then close shut
take the mask and
bend the metal clip
over the bridge
of my nose
lower and flatter
than his
pull taut the rubber straps
secured with staples
tight bands
once bright yellow
banana or i can’t believe
it’s not butter
or
taxi
now a brittle
color
he’s kept it
so long
almost all that anyone
needs to know
about my dad
in this object from 2003
brought back from taiwan
in his suitcase
or bag or
did he wear it
over the pacific
ocean of accumulated breath
sealed up wet
where edges indent cheeks
after the SARS outbreak
declared
contained
he went back to taiwan
on our way to the airport
was i nervous or
sad
or scared
numb or
incurious
we might have waved
goodbye at the gate
maybe
i don’t remember
can’t remember much
except that i didn’t think
to ask why
do you have to leave
